Maybe it's all about the onion?

Had a few bad days. Honestly, I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the emotions. I thought I was superwoman and would bounce back like nothing. Reality is quite different however. I woke up this morning to an empty house. Not abnormal on a weekday but it's Saturday so it just feels odd. Dave is out running errands I would normally do but am unable and I feel bad for him. I feel like I suck as a wife and Mom lately. I know, I know - I just had major surgery and all but I just wasn't prepared for this. When I read all the horror stories of the recovery from this surgery and then saw how I was home the next day and feeling pretty good, I got cocky and thought I would be different but I must admit, I am not. This sucks. This hurts. This is part of the process.

That may be the key right there for me. All along I have know God had plans for me during this process and it wasn't just to make my spinal fluid flow like He originally planned, it was to deal with what really matters - my heart. So, now I ponder the point in the pain.

I am beginning to think this is layers being peeled away. My defenses are down, I am not so busy I can distract myself from feeling anymore. All I do is cry. OK - maybe a slight exaggeration but I cry a LOT lately and don't know why. Maybe a hardened shell isn't productive in the Kingdom. I know it isn't. It is something God has been working on since I finally gave up running from Him a few years ago.

Over the years, I learned to add layers. Life sucks, people hurt you and you either deal or you add protective layers. Layers that don't let people in, if they can't get in, they can't hurt you. These layers are leaving me, in the form of tears. I am guessing I had more layers than I admitted given the amount of tears coming out of me lately.

Reminds me of a song -Healing Rain. We used to sing this song at my old church. It made me cry and I never knew why really. It hits me hard now. I wish I had a video to share of the guy who sang it at our church, his voice is unmatched, even by the original artists on most songs. It speaks of healing rain coming with fire and not being afraid. I sang it, arms held high, wanting to be healed but I am not sure I really GOT it until this morning.

So now the task is to see the tears as healing rain, a gift from God. Healing my broken heart, preparing it for for His plans.

Wish I could post a video of the song but I am not that geeky :-(

Healing Rain by Michael W Smith

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...

Staples are out!

The long awaited staple removal day has come and gone. Tuesday was an eventful morning to say the least as we headed out the door. Dave has a bad knee, an old injury he has yet to deal with and he slipped and fell in the shower. Full blown crashing down in the tub fell as we were trying to leave to head to U of M. Got that crisis solved only to head out the door and me getting sick. I was having hot and cold flashes and we stopped for lunch. I have this bad habit of not eating enough and not even knowing it. Dave is a smart guy and assumed eating would help. It did, I felt better and we had an enjoyable ride to the Docs.

Staples came out easily. MUCH easier than I remember the staples from my last C-Section. Only three hurt when the PA took them out, not bad at all. I was excited to see what my head looked like minus the metal so I had Dave take a pic with his phone - BAD idea! YUCK!!! But - at least they are out!

Yesterday and the day before were rough days. Sore and stiff all day. I assumed I had just done too much on Tuesday, being up ALL day without resting my poor neck. By last night I was frustrated and needing relief and hoping today would be different. Haven't been up long but it's not looking good so far.

I am complaining and I know I have no right. My recovery has been so smooth but I am TIRED OF THIS ALREADY! I wanted to have one thing on my to-do list daily, that's it, so I have some sense of accomplishment. Yesterday was ,making dinner. The real kind, not frozen stuff you pop in the oven and call it good. So I made beef soup. Who knew how many muscles in your neck it took to cut up meat? I do now :-( Dinner was good, everyone was happy but it bothers me that such a simple task was so hard for me.

Maybe I ave a superwman complex I need to let go? I assumed that since I was home the next day and am doing so much better than expected, I would be actually doing more than expected. Maybe this isn't the case. I thought resting would make it better, it gave me hope for today and yet I woke up worse than yesterday.

I hate to complain to Dave. He worries, it's his job he says. Knowing I have to go through another major surgery in just months, how do I tell him how bad I really feel and expect him to be OK with me doing this again? What good is two depressed people? One of us needs to have hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I guess I feel like it's my job to provide that light.

I know God has a plan in this. I really do. Some days, it is just harder to trust that plan. Today is one of those days I guess....

My life in pain - a poem

Found this poem that made me cry. This woman has a gift, a gift to put into words my life.

M Renee Gallop
My Life in Pain

Pink flawless skin, so soft and tender,
Sweet baby girl, full of hope and wonder....
Tiny little cries with new breath of life,...
No one foretold future years of such strife.

Very stubborn, strong-willed, and always full sail.
Living life to its fullest, blazing her own trail.
Educated by experience, a stranger to fear;
Walking on faith blind to demons near.

Savor the highs, she's always vowed;
Enjoying the journey of living out loud.
Sampling the world, an adventure to roam;
With God's gift of grace, her heart found a home.

Blessed in love, her best self she'd found;
Charming those near, laughter her favorite sound.
With drive, dreams, and wit, seeming to have it all.
Now hearing the whispers, her health soon will fall.

Her brain slipping downward, her MRI notes;
She's buried in pain and a sea of white coats.
Giving up her goals, her body now weak;
Rare condition they say, new specialists she'll seek.

More scans and tests, questions abound.
Surgery the only hope, no cure to be found.
Her balance so unsteady, her head in a spin;
Aches and pains all over, her energy now thin.

Her health is unfaithful, her body betrays;
A beauty now broken in so many ways.
Grand dreams now futile, her efforts in vain;
A new evil now lingers bringing more pain.

Unable to think clearly, illness her new friend;
Her body the new battlefield, the medications defend.
Time is her warden in this prison full of ache;
She'll live long in her torture, her life it will not take.

Once her drive was so strong, but now it's dwindled low;
Her star then blazing brightly, is now a dimming glow.
A life so full of joy, and with passion for the quest;
She's unable to move forward, for now it's time to rest.

The playground of her world, once welcoming and warm;
Now stealing with shadows, thriving in her harm.
The warriors of disease will battle all life long;
Breaking her defenses, the beasts seem so strong.

"I will add to this the beast that is Chiari is strong but my God is stronger... - Amy"

I thought I was ready, I thought I was tough

That's what I get for thinking huh? I am a planner by nature. I plan everything, to the point of driving my loved ones crazy, it's just how I roll. I planned out who would handle what, how I would handle the different hurdles and thought I had it all figured out. What I didn't plan for was the emotions.

This is like the worst case of PMS ever combined with the insanity of a ready to-pop Mama to be and a new-Mama combined. I cannot seem to control my emotions. Not even sure what my problem is really, maybe THAT is the problem. As far as healing goes, it doesn't get much better than my case. Sitting up without assistance the same day, discharged the day after brain surgery, doing laundry and simple household tasks within days, cruising walmart in an amigo within a week and over an hour slow trail walk in less than 2 weeks. Many of my symptoms disappeared when I woke up from the anesthesia. Sounds wonderful right? I guess it is compared to most stories I have heard. Yet, the wind blows and I am this big pile of mush, crying or angry or both and I have no idea why. I blow up for no reason, I cry for no reason.

I was not prepared for this. Physical pain is a funny thing - when you live in constant pain, adding new pain isn't that big of a deal so the added pain of 19 staples in the back of the head, pieces of my skull and one of my vertebrae missing are really not that bad. Does that make me lucky? I guess so yet I don't feel like it.

Maybe I did so much planning I didn't stop to think that this isn't even a cure. I know there are no guarantees in life but it appears I will be facing even more major surgery in a few months, my lower back needs to be fixed. Can my marriage handle it? Can I do that to my kids again? Can I loose more pieces of me? Am I just feeling sorry for myself?

All the amount of physical ailments in the world does not give me the right to act this this way. I have been saved, I have the promise of a perfect body, the promise of a forever life with my Savior. THAT is all that matters and somedays - that reality is just hard to find.

Wow - a week already!

Took a picture of the incision, Dave says it looks good - I personally cannot wait until Tuesday when the staples come out. It itches, feels swollen and is hard to brush my hair, I am afraid of brushing a staple!

Yesterday was a week since my surgery. I had a very good afternoon. I was vertical for 5 hours, wow that felt good!! Went to Walmart, got to ride the amigo and pick out foods for me. I have no appetite which isn't good. Was hoping if I picked out food I like, I'd eat.

Sad part is I paid for that today. This morning and early afternoon were one of my worst days. I slept, I whined, I took meds and it finally let up this afternoon Thank GOD!!!

So - symptoms gone so far - my hands and feet are now a normal temperature, insomnia seems to be gone, my fingers are no longer numb and my limbs no longer have that horrible pins and needles feeling. One of the oddest symptoms is that I am not thirsty as much. It used to be bad, I had to have a drink with me everywhere! Diet Coke was my choice and now - well, it doesn't taste the same. Odd.

Now where were we?

Sounds silly but one of my biggest fears was what I would look like with the shaved head. Yeah I knew it was only a part but it still bugged me. I have hair with a mind of it's own anyways, curly, frizzy and disobedient. I was so shocked when my hair covered most of the incision :-) You can see some of the staples at the bottom but not many! YAY!! I didn't even have to work for this :-



I think it is Wednesday now, not super sure, the days all kind of blend honestly. The last few days have been the same. Each day a tad better than the last, with the exception of morning and evening. I am on this plan to hopefully wean off the narcs and stick with just the muscle relaxers as that is most of my pain, from my poor neck muscles.

I sleep a lot. I sleep hard and long and night and usually take one good nap during the day. My day consists of bugging people on facebook and playing farmville. I also spend my day fighting with my dogs and cats. They love the concept of the big bed which has Mama in it in the living room except that Great Danes take up the entire bed so I am forever asking one to leave. Like their Mom, they sleep hard so it is no easy feat to move them :-) The cats seem to adore my pillows and no matter how fast I go from moving them to getting my head back down on my pillow, they are faster and we repeat the process. lol

Eric is still taking care of me. He feeds me, finds my lost slippers, phones or whatever else I loose and takes care of the doggies for me. He is such a good kid.

Need some cheese for this WHINE!!!!

We will take a break from the regularly scheduled blog post just in time for this breaking news - I SUCK AS A PATIENT!!!

Recovery SUCKS! Maybe I am just venting, spoiled brat that I am, I feel like I can I guess. I have had a super recovery and yet - I am disgusted already :-( Tomorrow is a week since my surgery (I think - what day is it anyways?) and I feel a million times better than the stories I have read. So why am I complaining? I guess I assumed I would be rather knocked out from pain meds and would sleep this part away, but no such luck. Thank God really, I am mostly down to just muscles relaxers for pain. I don't need the major narcs. I just hate the useless feeling. Yeah I know - recovery is hard work but still!

I hate the fear. I wake up with an odd pain and I freak my CSF is leaking or I popped a Dura stitch. I can't process complex writings yet or I would be studying something, I can't be vertical more than 30 minutes without needing narcs and I am trying to wean off them. Sorry, just venting and hoping some will understand. Hubby keeps trying to fix me. Bless his amazing large heart but I am not a computer gone haywire he can tweak or a loose board he can nail down. I just want to cry and eat chocolate - lots of it!! if you made it this far, bless you and thank you for just nodding and saying "uh huh - that's normal"