Wednesday, January 27, 2010

U of M it is!

Went to see Dr. Sullivan at U of M and REALLY liked him. Surgery is set for February 11th. and pre-op is next Wednesday. I will be in ICU the first night, regular room the next and if they can control pain, I will go home on Saturday. I am a fighter and have every intention of fighting my way home. Of course I say that now, before I have an 8 inch incision in my head/neck and have bone missing from my head and neck along with a ton of muscles being cut in my neck. Two weeks from tomorrow - YIKES! I can do this right?

Ironic part is when I called Cleveland Doc to tell them I have chosen a different Doctor, the lady I spoke with cut me off mid sentence and was very rude. Confirmation maybe, I dunno but I am glad I didn't stick with that Doctor. I have a peace. That doesn't mean I don't have fears but I am comfortable with my decision.

Monday, January 25, 2010

What a difference a week makes....

Last weekend I was on cloud 9, knowing I had found my Doc. I should have expected the roller coaster that has the name Chiari would go down at some point :-( Uneasy quite a bit last week, for reasons I am not sure are valid or not but it's MY brain, my health so I am not sure I have to have reasons.

I was told by the Doc's office when I left Cleveland to fill out this stuff online, a survey type asking all these questions regarding my health. This is what they use to "map out" what tests need to be done before surgery. I blanked out on how long it takes from that point to get a surgery date. Maybe it's just me but between me and my 6 kids - I have scheduled MANY surgeries, I have never had to wait to schedule a surgery - this whole concept is just foreign to me. So Monday I call the Doc's office to see how long it takes to get it scheduled. Simple question really. They took a message and assured me this is how it's done.

Wednesday I spoke with a woman on facebook who also went to see Dr. Di for her daughter - she left with a surgery date. Same Doc, same procedure. It just wasn't sitting right that 1) they STILL hadn't called me back and 2)why would office procedures be different for two patients? So Thursday I call back and they were - well, annoyed with me.

She kept bringing up the fact that I had called on Monday. Yup, I did and I am stalking you at this point because - well, you haven't called back and it's now Thursday. In my head I am wondering - what if this were post surgery and I had a question? I explain that I am not trying to be a pest, I just want to know how long I have to wait to know my surgery date. I carry my phone everywhere, I don't want to miss that call. I have anxiety - is it Chiari or just me? Not sure but it doesn't matter. What I am asking for isn't unreasonable. Just keep me informed on how this works, simple. She assures me this is the process and someone will call me back by the end of the day. Despite the fact that this clearly isn't always the process since I have spoke to another patient of theirs, I am not asking to deviate from protocol -I am simply asking how long does it take to have someone call me with the date? Weeks, days, a month? It is now Monday and guess what? Nobody called me on Thursday - or even on Friday for that matter.

Initially I thought I wanted 4 opinions - "experts" in PA, OH and WI and a somewhat (so I hear) experienced but not labeled expert in MI. I had them ranked in my head, knowing it may change once I hear what they have to say. The WI Doc's office was 1rst or 2nd on my list, until they wouldn't return my calls once they got my MRI's. The office had assured me it took only days for that Doc to review films and decide if I was a surgical candidate and they would call me either way. I called twice (weeks apart), never got a call back either way so I crossed them off my list without even going. When dealing with major surgery, states away - the phone is all I have post-surgery. I live in a small town with a crappy E.R. If something goes wrong - is this how they handle it? Ignore you? If so, going to my local hospital isn't a good option since they wouldn't even know what to do with me.

Maybe I expect too much but when I am looking at throwing $100,00 at a Doc, who I am trusting with my life - I expect a call back when they say they will call back. Perfect example - about a year ago I was having ear pain again (major surgery 13 years ago to remove a non-cancerous tumor). I saw an ENT who said I needed another major surgery, there was a hole in my eardrum. I cried. I scheduled the surgery and a few days later called the office with a simple question about an antibiotic. The woman I spoke with was rude and accused me of drug seeking when I wasn't even discussing pain, only the antibiotic. I sought another opinion (at U of M ironically) and was diagnosed with TMD and told to stop chewing gum. My pain left. There was never a hole and I never needed surgery! Was it God steering me? I have to wonder at this point.

So, here I sit, wondering if God is steering me away from Cleveland. The U of M Doc was last on my list. I never canceled my appointment though, for some reason, even when I just "knew" that the Cleveland Doc would do my surgery. My appointment is this afternoon with the U of M Doc.

More irony, I spoke to an old friend I haven't talked to in months on Friday and her daughter's best friend has Chiari and had the U of M Doc do her surgery a few years ago. She was thrilled with him. Hmmmm - makes ya wonder.

Of course I try to filter everything through my fears. Maybe I won't 100% trust any Doc because I really don't want brain surgery. I want to be symptom free so I SAY I want the surgery but the reality is - I don't want to have Chiari. Maybe I am just scared? Maybe I expect too much? Or maybe God is steering once again? We shall see.......

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Is it March yet?

Trying to be patient, but this has never been my strong point honestly. Still waiting for Cleveland Clinic to call with a surgery date. My appointment was Thursday so it hasn't been long, again I am just not patient. I want this done with, I want my life back, I want off these darn meds.

Dr. Di doesn't handle pre-surgery meds so it's up to my regular Doc to manage me until surgery. Seeing as he is clueless on Chiari, how is he supposed to help me? He is a wonderful Doctor, I drive over an hour to see him and I HATE driving. But - he just doesn't know, so we guess. I am unsure if my newest worsening side effects are Chiari or meds.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Slept an hour and half total. It is now 2:30 A.M. and guess what? I am still awake :-( I am EXHAUSTED but cannot sleep. If I drift, within minutes I am awake again. Is it the new meds or my insomnia getting worse? I am on prednisone for my low back/sciatic pain, neurontin for my nerve issues, Excedrin Migraine for headaches and percocet for pain. Half are like uppers, half are like downers and I am scared my body is revolting.

I am having somewhat of a life with the new meds, minus the sleep issue. Was able to shop, clean, run errands and hang with the family today. That is nice. being a Wife and Mom is good. Not sleeping however is messing with my head. I am still for the most part positive.

I Love what God is showing me through all this. My earthly body is irrelevant, my heart is what matters and He is working on that daily. I am learning to trust and to be dependent. I have no choice really as I could not even pretend to face brain surgery without God. Having had two episodes where the general anesthesia didn't take fully or wasn't enough - I should be so scared but overall, I am hopeful. Praise The Lord!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Finally found a Doc!

WHEW - what a crazy week it has been. I had an appointment in Pittsburgh on Tuesday and in Cleveland on Thursday. So, of course I had to turn this into a mini-vacation :-) My friend went with me and we left Monday morning, flew out of Flint and into Chicago. I had a choice between a 2 hour lay-over and a 7 hour lay-over. Having never seen Chicago, of course I chose the longer one! We went on the subway, saw the Sears Tower and had Chicago style pizza - WOW on both accounts. The skydeck was amazing and the pizza, well, I am not sure I can ever eat normal pizza again! We finally got into Pittsburgh around 11 P.M. Monday night.

I was amazed by the hills in PA. Michigan is flat, hills don't exist so seeing houses on the hills just blew my mind not to mention what it looked like just driving around to get to the hotel. Tuesday morning we went to the top of Mount Washington and enjoyed the view (and took pics of course!) and then headed to meet with Dr. Sekula. After waiting two hours, I met Dr. Sekula. Super nice Doctor, took his time (an hour with me), knew his stuff but I walked away uneasy, scared and confused. Not really sure why but I just wasn't comfortable with him. Nothing personal at all since he was super nice and down to earth.

Headed to Cleveland after the Doctor appointment. My head hurt, couldn't sleep, was scared and hope wasn't in my vocabulary. Shook off what I could and Wednesday was a day off for us. We went to the Cleveland Zoo, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, took a nap (well, I did!) then went to the Hard Rock Cafe. Fun day but I was exhausted! We had a small amount of time so we went to the Art Museum and then to the Cleveland Clinic.

This place is like a city it's so big! Nice hospital to say the least. When we got there, we were warned how long the wait was (nice touch to at least warn me!) and so we went down and explored the hospital a tad. Cute shops, interesting food and a Starbucks had me thinking that Dave would love this place! A PA took me back to the room and went over symptoms then I waited just a few for Dr. Di. Nice guy for sure. Not as talkative as Dr. Sekula but he explained things in a way I understood. He wasn't afraid to use big words and drew me a diagram of his plan for surgery. Both Doctors basically said I should have surgery, they just approach it different.

I felt comfortable with him. I cannot explain it since there wasn't anything wrong with Dr. Sekula, just one of those things. Not every Doctor is best for every patient or maybe God was steering me toward Dr. Di - I am not sure. Some questions won't be answered until surgery as Dr. Di has variables depending on what he sees once he gets in there. The basic plan is to remove part of the bone in the back of my head, stretch the Dura, shrink the bottom part of my cerebellum and do a laminectomy of C1. In theory this will make enough room for my brain. He is scheduling into the second week of March, they will call me next week with a date.

Dr. Di does the surgery endoscopic, meaning my incision will be less than half the standard size for this surgery. Hospital stay will be about 2 nights instead of the standard 5 and recovery from the actual surgery will be much shorter. He can't say how long until the symptoms leave, if they even will but he is hopeful that I am a very good candidate for a successful outcome. I left with this giant weight lifted off my shoulders.

I have hope once again. I can see a future. I am not as scared. I Thank God for my church family and friends who prayed for me. A group meets every morning for prayer and they had me on their list for this week. They asked for peace and I have this. I have peace and hope. Those are needed when you are about to have brain and neck surgery :-)

So I am home now and soooo glad to be here. I missed my life! My wonderful husband, my loud kids, my crazy dogs - the whole works. Life is good, if only for today!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Healing Hurts

No, I haven't had surgery yet. What may be harder than recovering from brain surgery is the healing of the heart. A wicked, wounded place - needing more healing than my condition. Spent some major time in prayer and Worship this morning. The power of Jesus to heal when we stop and let Him, in so intense. It's hard. It's needed but oh so hard.

Some people can Christianity is a crutch. I have to disagree. This would be so much easier to deal with if I could just get mad at God or didn't know him and turn miserable. Misery is easier than growth and hope. Instead, God has a different plan. He uses this to draw me close to Him so He can heal what really matters - my heart. My body will not last forever, my heart and soul will live on in heaven with Him forever. So, the healing needs to happen.

Submission, surrender and trust are things that do NOT come natural to me. I am a stubborn, strong willed brute of a woman. I like control. I trust my own stupid ways since I KNOW them. When I have to depend on someone, it makes me nervous. One of the first things God worked on when I got saved was this and the journey continues. He first showed me through my husband how to submit and to trust. God designed men to be the head of the house for a reason. He has wired us differently. I have accepted that (most days). I love it now. I trust Dave with my life. He has shown me God's version of submission. I submit to Dave and He always acts in MY best interests, not his. God knew I needed to see with my eyes and used Dave to teach me to trust. NOT an easy lesson for me, one I am still learning.

Again I find myself wanting to control as I get ready to fly to meet with the Neurosurgeons. All the research in the world is irrelevant if I don't involve God. He is in the drivers seat and He reminded me of that this morning. It's ALL about Him - not me! So this morning, I surrender my life yet again to my Jesus. I am in His hands and there is no better place to be when scared or making decisions.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Sometimes, I forget.....

Planning like a fool here lately. As per my usual, I have changed plans 100 times. I have it all set now - finally! I am flying out Monday morning, with a 7 hour lay over in CHICAGO!! This is what makes me forget. I *LOVE* to travel but have been hardly anywhere. 5 days, 4 nights, 3 states, an amazing friend and lots of cool stuff to see and do. Makes me busy, I get excited and I forget, if only for a few, this isn't actually a vacation - I am "interviewing" Docs to see which one gets the privilege of doing my brain surgery :-(

Am I ready? Nope. Not even close. Aside from packing - emotionally, I am not sure I am ready to face this just yet. Not much choice as the first appointment is Tuesday afternoon. This is silly but I am freaked out about my hair. They shave a very large portion of the back of your head, typical incision is 7-8 inches long. I have short, curly, layered hair. No hiding this for me. What do I do? Shave it all or look like a fool with a reverse mullet? I don't even like my hair, never have - why do I care?

I have two days to deal with getting ready to go. I will make 100 lists, check them 100 times and try not to freak at not seeing the hot hubbie, kiddos and my Danes for 5 days :-(

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Tired of decisions

Some days - I just want to run away. Once again I admit to being tired of the emotions, the roller coaster that has become my life. Looking really hard at which Docs I need to see today. Funds just arn't there to see as many Docs as I want. Biggest decisions for today are - look into having the "regular" slice your head open about 8 inches or the endoscopic version, 2-3 inches. Now ladies - we can say size doesn't matter but when it comes to having your head cut open it does.

Part of me wants so bad to go see the Doc who does the small version but as far as stats go - this surgery has even LESS data than the traditional surgery. So - how can I possibly make an informed decision? If I go by what the others Docs say, most will say - not enough long term studies to prove it is effective. Ineffective means a repeat surgery down the road. NOT GONNA HAPPEN! I cannot go through this again. It is infecting every area of my life, except for spiritually which is amazing but still. I snap at the kids, at Dave, I don't listen when my kids tell me stories about school because I am thinking about this, I don't get much done around the house because I am trying to find peace with this stupid surgery. Not gonna do this to my family again. So I guess maybe my decision has been made?

Yet I find myself lusting over a 3 inch incision. Less risk of a spinal fluid leak post-op, less time in hospital, maybe being able to not shave my entire head, less pain - sounds like a vacation on a desert island surrounded by Cabana boys fanning me compared to the regular surgery. Sometimes, doing what is best is harder than doing what is easier.

I have the appointment with Dr. Sekula in Pittsburgh scheduled for next Tuesday, the 12th. Yesterday I tried planning the trip. What a nightmare. Plane is out of the question, too expensive, me driving isn't an option so train or bus it is. Somehow the thought of spending 10 plus hours on a bus or train for a trip that would take 6 by car has me second guessing all my options. Do I just bite the bullet, rent an SUV and pray for no snow, taking many rest stops on the way? Maybe. I don't like any of my options. I feel like a spoiled brat.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

So what does Chiari feel like anyways?

Guess listing symptoms might interest some people. Chiari isn't an easy thing to describe and since the spinal cord, CSF and all that are involved - everyone's symptoms are different. Mayo lists these:
Headaches, often severe, are the classic symptom of Chiari malformation. They're typically precipitated with sudden coughing, sneezing or straining. People with Chiari malformation type I also can experience:
  • Neck pain (running down the shoulders at times)
  • Unsteady gait (problems with balance)
  • Poor hand coordination (fine motor skills)
  • Numbness and tingling of the hands and feet
  • Dizziness
  • Difficulty swallowing (sometimes accompanied by gagging, choking and vomiting)
  • Vision problems (blurred or double vision)
  • Slurred speech

Less often, people with Chiari malformation may experience:

  • Ringing or buzzing in the ears (tinnitus)
  • Poor bladder control
  • Chest pain, in a band-like pattern around the chest
  • Curvature of the spine (scoliosis) related to spinal cord impairment
  • Abnormal breathing — specifically, sleep apnea characterized by periods of breathing cessation during sleep

As for me - mine are odd for the most part. Maybe one of the most frustrating things is the unpredictability of this disease. Days are different, some days I feel as normal as can be and others - well, let's say I dream of dancing on the streets of gold it's so bad. My symptom story begins at least 6 years ago, with headaches. A former gym rat, recovering from the birth of my last baby - I decided to get my out of shape butt back in the gym. Didn't last long, every time I lifted weights - I would get these horrible headaches. Now I never lifted like a girl. No pink dumbells or wimpy machines for me. I lifted with the big boys - squats, deadlifts and the like. Heavy weights, low reps was my thing. So - my first of many "straining headaches". So - I quit the gym, we moved and life got in the way. The headaches went away and I felt human for awhile. Then the insomnia began.

I was at the end of my first marriage and dismissed the insomnia as part of the stress of becoming a single Mom of six children. Medicated it with drugs and alcohol, to a functioning level as always - nobody even knew. Control was my specialty. That period followed itself by the opposite. Sleep was all I did. 15 hours a day wasn't enough. I didn't eat because I wasn't awake long enough to eat and even if I was, I didn't have the energy to get food. Somehow I gained 50 pounds in just a few months, despite not eating. Many other odd symptoms in this period but I was diagnosis with Hashimoto's - an autoimmune hypothyroid condition.

Fast forward a few years, thyroid under control by meds and I am attempting to be human again. New husband, new house, new life, new me. For once in my life I was emotionally and spiritually healthy - or at least on my way. Low back pain had become a daily thing. MRI showed moderate stenosis and a mild disc bulge at L5-S1 - not abnormal for a woman my age who led the life I had. Always being the rough and rumble kind, not out of the norm to see disc changes in your late 30's. Former marathon runner, gym rat turned couch potato :-( I was a CENA for years, lifting the elderly daily. I loved my job but assumed I had caused my back problems. Tried everything - PT, meds, chiropractor - nothing worked. I resigned myself to that life and quit working.

Odd symptoms really starting creeping in here. As if a switch was flipped - one day EVERYTHING hurt. Every joint in my body hurt. No swelling, but I would cry in my sleep it was so bad. A million Doc's later, I was tested for everything under the sun and was no closer to a diagnosis. The pain subsided to mostly lower back and my hip so I assumed it was all due to my lower back and changed my lifestyle.

The headaches returned one Saturday. I was a Youth Leader for my church and *LOVED* it. Being a big kid, my gift to them was love and goofy games. I would laugh so hard and one day - i felt like my head would explode it hurt so bad. I was blinded by pain. Two days later, the headache was finally gone and returned every time I laughed really hard. Not trusting Dr.'s, knowing they wouldn't find anything wrong - I researched it and diagnosed myself with exertion headaches and moved on. After a few months, it just stopped as quick as it started.

I had some more odd symptoms creeping in at this point. My finger tips and feet would go numb and my hand grip strength was an issue. Again, hating Docs, I decided it was Carpel Tunnel and bought a brace and once again altered my lifestyle. No mixing, no bending, no lifting - I was almost useless :-( Maybe a slight exaggeration but that's how it felt. My body and spirit were at war. I am an active, energetic, hyper person trapped in an old person's body at this point.

I am always thirsty which means I am always in the bathroom. Annoying to say the least. Again, assuming this is just how it is. I did have my sugar tested a million times and no diabetes so once again - just another life altering symptom. Episodes of dizziness, loosing my words and my memory became another new norm. Typing this out, I realize how many things I blamed things on. Former drug addict explains the memory loss and word issues in my head. Since Docs can't figure me out and I have given up on that profession, I found excuses for every odd symptom I had.

The headaches returned this fall. I went over two weeks with a headache and severe dizziness. The flu or some odd virus I assume. That went away, only to return a few weeks later with a new symptom - drop attacks or fainting or whatever you want to call it. I would have the headache, get dizzy then would feel like the world was spinning and knew I was going down. Happened a few times. This is just my life I assume. Pain in my shoulders and mid-back, loosing feeling in my limbs, loosing the ability to move my entire leg. Must be all related to my back or drug induced brain issues right? I walk into walls and trip over nothing but this is just me - I'm a klutz and it's cute right? Randomly loosing the ability to read is because I have bad eyesight right? Either that or the Docs are right and there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a nut job.

One evening, I somehow must have fallen and blacked out. I was walking the dog, came inside and was different, confused and grumpy. Took a tiny nap and woke up and had lost 3 years of my life. Hubby took me to the ER and we assumed it was yet another concussion. First one was in February when my hip "gave out" while walking the dog. This is where I got the diagnosis of Chiari. Hence my journey had truly begun.

I am very curious how many of my symptoms are Chiari induced. I have read stories and it would appear almost all of my odd crap is Chiari. Being called a nut job is also common in Chiari people. Docs can't figure you out since they arn't trained to diagnose Chiari so they assume you are making it all up. Sadly, once again the research isn't there to support a firm case of what really are Chiari symptoms. I guess we will find out after surgery.