I thought I was ready, I thought I was tough

That's what I get for thinking huh? I am a planner by nature. I plan everything, to the point of driving my loved ones crazy, it's just how I roll. I planned out who would handle what, how I would handle the different hurdles and thought I had it all figured out. What I didn't plan for was the emotions.

This is like the worst case of PMS ever combined with the insanity of a ready to-pop Mama to be and a new-Mama combined. I cannot seem to control my emotions. Not even sure what my problem is really, maybe THAT is the problem. As far as healing goes, it doesn't get much better than my case. Sitting up without assistance the same day, discharged the day after brain surgery, doing laundry and simple household tasks within days, cruising walmart in an amigo within a week and over an hour slow trail walk in less than 2 weeks. Many of my symptoms disappeared when I woke up from the anesthesia. Sounds wonderful right? I guess it is compared to most stories I have heard. Yet, the wind blows and I am this big pile of mush, crying or angry or both and I have no idea why. I blow up for no reason, I cry for no reason.

I was not prepared for this. Physical pain is a funny thing - when you live in constant pain, adding new pain isn't that big of a deal so the added pain of 19 staples in the back of the head, pieces of my skull and one of my vertebrae missing are really not that bad. Does that make me lucky? I guess so yet I don't feel like it.

Maybe I did so much planning I didn't stop to think that this isn't even a cure. I know there are no guarantees in life but it appears I will be facing even more major surgery in a few months, my lower back needs to be fixed. Can my marriage handle it? Can I do that to my kids again? Can I loose more pieces of me? Am I just feeling sorry for myself?

All the amount of physical ailments in the world does not give me the right to act this this way. I have been saved, I have the promise of a perfect body, the promise of a forever life with my Savior. THAT is all that matters and somedays - that reality is just hard to find.