I Hope

I wrote this out the other day, internet was being wiggy and I forgot to publish it. I wish I had my old sense of style and flair with words. Once upon a time, I could put my feelings into words so easily - now - I read what I wrote and it's just no longer there :-( I wrote this with hope and yet when I read it back, it was depressing. Ah well - It is what it is, it's what I feel so it shall be posted....

When facing something crummy – sometimes, all you have is HOPE. Sometimes, that’s enough.
One day I hope…..

I hope to say yes or no based on the calendar alone when my children ask me if we can do an activity down the road, not to say “we’ll have to see how Mama is feeling”

I hope when I sign online in the morning to greet my husband who is at work, to say I am fine when he asks, “how are you?” Not to wonder if I should lie to protect him or answer the truth, which is usually - “I hurt”

I hope when I open my kitchen cabinet, I won’t see all the bottles of almost useless medicines that keep my symptoms at bay, or at least pretend to.

I hope that when I see my husband watching me, I no longer see his pain. The pain he has watching ME be in pain.

I hope my children stop asking how I am feeling. That they will just assume, like normal children, that Mama is fine.

I hope days go by, weeks maybe even where I don’t say or think of the word Chiari

I hope none of my children have been dealt the nasty genetic card that carries Chiari

I hope to not cringe when people ask me how I am feeling. What is the answer to that anyways? They are usually just being polite and don’t REALLY want to hear how bad it is but is it rude to lie? I hope to answer I am well and MEAN IT!

I hope to learn the lessons God has set forth for me during this time of trial.

I hope to NOT be the same woman I was when I had my surgery, to be better, missing pieces of my body but gained pieces of my heart back

I hope to be held by my husband like I won’t break.

I hope to be able to be the big kid I am, the active, playful, energetic, crazy me I know – not this sick, old, depressed person who has invaded my body

I hope my Grandchildren-to-be will not know me as the Grandma who is sick but the Grandma who is fun and can play with them

I hope to see Duke doing pet therapy, me as his handler – sharing the joy he gives me with others

I don’t have many answers yet but I do have HOPE and for today – HOPE is enough…..