Wishing I had amazing news - really I am

I did what I always do before something major, I prayed and I researched like crazy. I do not do well with the unknown. I read stories. I read lots of stories. Somehow - I thought I would be different. I keep coming back to this statement don't I? It just blows my mind that it has been almost a month and I am still in so much pain. NOT WHAT I HAD PLANNED!

The meds no longer work. Over time, the body develops a tolerance for narcotics, meaning they don't work and you need stronmger ones. So this week I found myself facing a decision. Wean off all narcs and pray I could handle it or ask for stronger ones. At 4 weeks post-op, asking for stronger wasn't my first plan. I should be needing less meds not stronger ones. This isn't working though. I am back to being able to do nothing. I am back to crying many times a day due to pain. I am finding myself humbled by the scalpel and will call the Doc today and ask for something stronger. What I refuse to do is let this take my spirit. THIS is what I stand on this morning.

God has not brought me this far to leave me hanging. I know my physical pain is irrelevant, what is in my heart is what matters. I praise God this morning, through the pain, thanking Him for all He has shown me through this. I woke up in pain, after going to bed crying from pain. I put praise music on and am choosing Him this morning. I am choosing His healing. It may mean physical or it may mean emotional. Am I prepared for whatever He has planned? That is the question of the day for me.

The song ringing in my ears this morning starts out like this "I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands one who is my Savior" Is that enough? It should be. The amazing Grace song was wrote for ME I swear. What a wretch I was before I found God. But He saved me, He changed me. He saved me from myself. He showed me a Love I didn't think existed. He showed me Mercy when I deserved death. I thank God for this journey, in all the pain I have right now - I thank God I am where He needs me to be. I pray to have my heart opened to what He needs me to learn.

I do beg for relief though. enough relief to let me keep my heart focused on Him where it should be. It's not about me - this is my mantra today. It is about a Savior who died for ME, a slab of a human, useless yet used by Him for His Glory. There is more. My story isn't finished. He is not done using my life, using me to Glorify Him and to show others His amazing healing powers. So, on this I stand - there is a way out. The end is near. It's there - even when I don't see it.